I used to think that I was an expert on the subject of grief. From a very early age I experienced the loss of both biological parents, grandparents and caretakers. In my twenties when my friends parents were seeing them off to college, I was picking out caskets and flower arrangements for older relatives who had cared for me from birth. I lost the stability of home when my loved ones died. Moving from house to house I adapted and built up a layer of resilience. Over the years home has become portable. I carry it with me.  I also carry the grief I feel for the people I’ve lost.

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In my early years and throughout my twenties, grief impacted every decision and flavored every soup. In these current times, during the pandemic I lost significant relationships, a friend from Alzheimer’s, a colleague in poor health and young friend from despair. I will tell you this, I am sure I will never stop grieving these losses. 

I have found ways to manage my sadness, to put it in perspective, to honor my loved ones who have passed over and to keep their spirits with me.

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The pain of these kinds of losses will never go away completely. Over time the pain lessens and we learn to live with it beside us. Our grief should not become an obstacle to our happiness or other positive emotions. Pain is part healing and growth. When we feel pain that’s how we know we are healing. 

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Many years ago when a young friend was diagnosed with cancer I was paralyzed with grief. I was hesitant to visit her. What would I say? How could I be useful to her? I remember wishing that there was a book that could heal her.  When I got up the courage to visit, I took a book with me. The book did not heal her, but it did make her laugh. We laughed a lot and made memories during those last days that helped me when she was gone. We could all use creative strategies to manage and transform our grief in this time of incredible public and private loss.  We can practice rituals to keep us connected to our loved ones, to the loss of people we will never know and get in touch with our emotions without being overwhelmed. 

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Creating altars is an activity that made it possible to cope with my grief from several major recent losses. Altars give me comfort and peace by using them as a channel of communication with my loved ones and ancestors. It’s also a way to keep them alive in my heart and mind. Altars are a reminder for me to slow down and remember what’s important and express gratitude for what I do have.

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I’ve created an everyday altar where I pray for the missing and murdered, the broken and wounded, for those who are suffering in my life, my community and those who are suffering around the world. I pray for peace.

My everyday altar is set up in a place where I see it everyday. It’s simple: a Billie Holiday candle, a bottle of perfume, a dish of dried roses or fresh flowers. Sometimes I place a note, a poem, a prayer or a wish on the altar. I sit, open my heart and listen.

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WRITE IT DOWN

Before you create an altar:

1. Set an intention. Why are you making this altar? Who or what is it for?

2. Make a list of words that come to mind when you think of your
   loved one or the loss you experienced.

3. Make a list of objects you associate with your loved one.

4. Write down any favorite expressions, funny things your loved one said.

5. Write down their favorite foods, colors, hobbies, talents, nicknames, etc.

Elements For Creating an Altar 

1. Create a place for your altar. A kitchen or bathroom counter, a bookshelf.

 

1. Select a vessel. An altar can be portable, permanent, or semi-permanent. 

• empty altoid or candy tin 

• large or small sliding or lidded matchbox

• cigar box

• hollow out the inside a book 

• shoe box

• photos inside a journal

 

        3.Cleanse the space.

 

        4. Choose items for your altar. 

Elements that represent air, fire/light, water, earth.

• a vessel filled with water

• fresh or dried flowers, herbs, a plant

• photo or drawing of loved one or object

• food offering for ancestral altar (photo can be used)

• a poem, prayer, letter, affirmation 

• candle, matches, a lighter or photo of fire or the color red

• White or colorful fabric to cover your altar 

• A bell, a stone, favorite items, colors or object of beloved or image 

• Perfume or incense to clear the air.

1. Bless your altar: Say a prayer or set your intentions silently or out loud.

2. Bless yourself, you are an altar.

 

Be gentle and patient with yourself. Healing takes time.

 

Peace and blessings,

Shay Youngblood

 

Youngblood Arts 

www.shayyoungblood.com